You don’t need to watch Mean Girls to know that Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut, and get away with it, too. Plus, if you’re anything like me, then you’re already browsing through the “sexy costumes” archive on Pinterest, pinning away your most smoldering picks, while making delusional plans to hit the gym every single day until Halloween. Don’t judge me, betch. With All Hallows’ Eve approaching, it’s important to start channeling the feels of our costumes, especially if you’re planning on taking an epic Halloween pic for the ‘gram, obvi.
For the record, I sound like such a fire sign right now, and I’m totally not. Although, there very well may be an Aries, Leo, or Sagittarius reading this right now, and well, everyone knows you have no issues whatsoever when it comes down to picking out your Halloween costume. Air signs, on the other hand, you guys are in deep sh*t, and this is because you’re all so damn indecisive. By the way, that’s Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius, in case you were wondering.
Now, earth signs, you all aren’t so bad, and it’s probably because you love nothing more than to be prepared. Why are you so perfect, though? I mean that, I really do. Who knows, maybe it’s because I’m a hopeless water sign with way too many feels. Yes, you read correctly. Water signs—Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces—are forever driving through the hot-mess-express-way on the longest road to nowhere. Scorpio gets it, though, especially since Halloween is during their birthday season. They’re selfish AF like that.
Oh, yeah, speaking of slutty, what kind of “slutty” are you trying to channel this year? Are you going for the subtle slutty? You know, when you dress semi-decent, but your boobs just so happen to be out? Or are you shamelessly going for Bad Gal RiRi circa Carnival? Honestly, don’t think about it twice, betch. It’s Halloween, and anything goes. So, if you’re secretly stressing over what to wear, say no more, the cosmos are here to save your ass, and perhaps help you do it with a little
trashy classy behavior.
Aries: Slutty Xena Warrior Princess
Your aggressive AF ruling planet, Mars, would love nothing more than to tear it up and go to war, which is why I suggest you dress up as a sexy version of Xena Warrior Princess. Real talk, no one can pull the slutty Viking look like you can, Aries. It’s time to show the world your BDE.
Taurus: Slutty Debbie From ‘Glow’
You’re gorgeous without even trying (so I hate you). So, your safest bet is the 80s wrestler, with neon vibes and a lot of cleavage. Add a pair of fishnets to that American Apparel suit, and Debbie Eagen is all you, boo. Don’t forget about the white sneakers, tacky 80s makeup, and the big hair! This is so Venus, I can’t even.
Gemini: Slutty Marilyn Monroe
Did you know Marilyn Monroe was a Gemini? Exactly, you’re welcome. Just make sure you amp up the cleavage on this Target gem. Don’t forget to bring the Norma Jean innocent f*ck me eyes along with you. Also, if you suddenly get bored with the idea, as you do with everything else, keep the wig, grab some black gloves, and a pair of black shades. Voila! You’re Atomic Blonde à la Marilyn Monroe.
Cancer: Slutty Little Red Riding Hood
If you ever decide to move past your agoraphobia and come out of your damn shell, then maybe you can slay this naughty red mini. The little red number has your name written all over it, Cancer. What’s not to love? You’re always hiding out at grandma’s, anyway. In the meantime, beware of the big bad wolf…or not.
Leo: Slutty Cher Horowitz
As if! Like you’re mad? Come on, the only thing you love more than flipping your hair is flipping your hair like Cher Horowitz. Now, I might be totally clueless here, but this costume is more sensual than Cher playing “suck and blow” with Elton at the party in the Valley. See if you can find an obnoxiously large vintage cell phone, too. You’ll be golden, Leo babe.
Virgo: Slutty Goddess Aphrodite
In true Virgoan fashion, Halloween is all about the details, and well, long story short, no one can pull off the goddess Aphrodite look like you can, Virgo. Granted, Taurus and Libra are Venus’ children, but no, not even close. You share zodiac signs with Beyoncé, and that’s all I’m going to say for now. Slay this costume like the impeccable betch that you are, and feel free to crank up the sultry makeup while you’re at it.
Libra: Slutty Marie Antoinette
Hate to break it to you, but your eternally flirtatious swagger is borderline slutty. I know, it’s not your fault you’re so popular, although, it actually is. You always make an entrance everywhere you go, and you’re uber charming, even on your period. Not all of us have it so easy, Libra. Then again, who cares what anyone thinks, anyway. Let them eat cake!
Scorpio: Slutty Fortune Teller
I see a really scandalous Halloween costume in your near future, and you’re wearing it, zero f*cks given. Besides, let’s be real, you don’t need to dress up to tell me my future. This is why everyone’s secretly terrified of you and your goth AF wardrobe. It’s simple, Scorpio. Nothing says revenge more than your Halloween costume. Half of you celebrate your birthday on this day, anyway.
Sagittarius: Slutty Xtina from “Dirty”
Christina Aguilera is a Sagittarius, duh. Plus, you’re the adventurous one, remember? Slutty Xtina is a hot AF throwback, and if you have the balls to actually go through with it, then you’re going to take the best f*cking selfies ever. Although knowing you, you’ll end up wearing it to one of your more incognito Halloween bashes, since you’re already crashing everyone and their mother’s party. Do whatever you want, as long as you don’t leave this for the last minute like you do with everything else.
Capricorn: Slutty Nun
The slutty nun is a perfect look for you, Capricorn. You’re a master at giving us the silent treatment, and since the whole world practically worships the ground you walk on, you might as well go for this blasphemous Halloween costume. You know you love a little dark humor. Oh, and the best part is, you won’t be sweating your ass off like you normally do.
Aquarius: Slutty Space Cadet
Well, look at you, you iridescent space betch! Those goggles are everything, by the way. In fact, they might be everything you need to help you see things more clearly, considering you’ve been batsh*t crazy the past couple of weeks. Too bad they’re not included. Honestly, save yourself from the agony of the basic AF list of costumes, and slut it up with this ravishing space romper. You won’t regret it. Also, don’t forget to invest in those stellar goggles.
Pisces: Slutty Sailor
Look! Now you can pretend you’re lost at sea, when you’re really just being a sloppy drunk, as per usual. Oh please, you know this costume won’t come back in one piece. It’s going to get washed up
on the floor of someone’s bathroom on shore, which translates to drunk sobbing fest while texting your ex-boyfriend the entire night. Okay, now that was totally uncalled for. Ahoy, Pisces!