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What’s up bitches, what’s up hoes. What’s up witches, what’s up WeHoes. I’m sure I have used that intro at some point in the past four seasons, but I don’t f*cking care because I’m running out of ways to say “Hey fellow sufferers of this weird brand of Bravo-induced Stockholm Syndrome, thank you for tuning in to yet another one of my rage blackouts!”
In case you couldn’t tell, I’m slightly drunk and ready to rip into these hypocrites. I can’t believe the season is over already. On the one hand, it feels kind of short. On the other hand, I have aged 85 years. My friends and family want me to stop talking about Vanderpump Rules. My doctor is concerned about the effect it appears to have on my cholesterol. I’ve been unable to hold down a relationship. Okay, none of that sh*t is true (except the relationship part), but I’m saying it for effect. And that’s why you guys are still here. I am Cady Heron and Vanderpump Rules is my Regina George.
We open this reunion with a retrospective of the pile-on of James Kennedy, and James storming out. While James is out of the room, Lisa tells Kristen to take a breath because she’s not doing herself any favors. Andy even reiterates to Kristen that she’s jumping in at every single question [and it’s annoying]. Lisa goes backstage to tell James that he needs to pull himself together and stand up for himself. Meanwhile, Katie and Stassi are lamenting over how hated Katie is, and neither seem to understand why. I would insert some snarky line about why Katie is so obviously hated, but you know what? One snarky line would not suffice. Katie, if you really don’t understand why people are not fawning over you co-opting the #MeToo movement to get someone you don’t like fired, then read my recaps 1-20.
Lala comes in with perhaps the only reasonable statement: Guys, we’ve got to stop talking about people’s parents. You know what? If we’re going to create boundaries, this seems like a fine place to start.
Andy can’t take the heat anymore and switches topics to Lala’s anxiety. Even with Sandoval outing James’s coke habit, we are still going to pretend like Lala wasn’t on molly the night before she had a panic attack in Mexico. Damn, and here I was thinking we had made progress.
Andy holds no punches and says “Scheana, you said the gang has been up Lala’s ass since her dad died and she can do no wrong. Are there other examples of that besides her not wanting to make out with you?” Scheana honestly took this very diplomatically and basically admitted that she was being insecure and felt like Lala didn’t appreciate their friendship. Okay, you know what? I’ll say it. I like Scheana this season. Yeah, she can be annoying, and thirsty, but at the end of the day, she sides with people not out of blind loyalty, but her own moral compass, and she at least attempts to understand why she is criticized and changes her behavior accordingly when she is in the wrong. That’s more than I can say for pretty much anyone else on this show, except Stassi, but only when she loses advertisers.
Why did Andy pronounce CON-troversy like con-TROH-ver-see? In any case, they are talking about the Mexico trip and James getting uninvited from it.
Schwartzy is being so Schwartzy, like, “I guess I got scared and blamed the invite on Sandoval!” and everyone is like “awwwww Schwartzyyyy it’s okay!” and we all move on. Typical Schwartzy. Will this man ever face consequences for his actions??
Andy asks James why he would want to even go to Mexico given that everyone in the group hated him at that time, and you guys. You f*cking guys. I can’t even handle it. Like, I need to watch James’s response, soak it all up, then come back. Because in the most measured, detached, accurate way, he just reads everyone and their sh*tty abroad behavior for filth. And NOBODY acknowledges it! They all just stare back at him blankly. James is a f*cking unsung hero.
Holyyyyy shit, we finally get the James vs. Katie reckoning when Andy asks Schwartz if he admits that Katie has said equally bad things to the others as James. That was a f*cked up syntax; let’s just go with it. Then we get a montage of Katie’s greatest (read: lowest hits), which include calling Lala a whore to her face, telling Schwartz about how his penis doesn’t work, etc. Schwartz, basically at the threat of murder, that Katie said bad things in the past but she’s a changed person. Katie, STILL F*CKING BLIND TO HER OWN PAST ACTIONS, says, “do not f*cking compare me to him. Ever.”
But you have very similar behavior patterns…
Andy asks Katie why her go-to insult of Schwartz is to say sh*t about his penis. If nothing else, we learn that Schwartz is a grower and not a shower, which honestly seems on brand for him.
After the break, Beau comes to the reunion and is the only guest so far to be met with a round of applause.
We learn that Patrick cheated on Stassi and she found texts between him and some model, and she never told anyone because she was too embarrassed to tell everyone about it. Beau claims he never watched the show before he started dating Stassi, which I barely believe.
Apparently Kristen and Beau were in some random weird-ass film 12 years ago, and they kissed in the film. I wonder how she even thought to hit Beau up to introduce him to Stassi? How’d that go? “Hmm there was this guy I kissed in a weird indie film over a decade ago… but I bet he’d be into my friend.”
Beau admits that mixing alcohol and Adderall makes Stassi into a monster. I am here for this upper-acknowledgment culture this reunion.
We segue into the whole Stassi “dark passenger thing,” and it’s whatever, but I don’t love Beau basically saying that these are Stassi’s insecurities coming out and it’s her issue to deal with alone. I don’t really agree. This is your partner. These should be issues you tackle together, no?
Stassi resolves to stop taking Adderall, and she and Beau both claim that Stassi’s behavior has immediately changed.
Yes I’m aware I use this gif in every recap, thank you very much!
Apparently Stassi’s mom told Kristen that she hopes Stassi grows up to be half the woman Kristen is. WHAT?? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Do you guys have approximately four hours? Because that’s how long I need to dissect just how f*cked up and inaccurate of a statement that is.
From that, we do a total side-step to talk about the boys’ night at the Mondrian hotel. First off, props to the Mondrian PR team for getting all those mentions. Brittany makes a comment about lighting Jax’s balls on fire if she would have caught them in the hotel room with those random girls. Sweet, innocent Brittany, lighting Jax’s balls on fire?
Andy asks Kristen why she was so triggered by James DJing at Pump. Kristen says she’s still affected by it. James, in typical James fashion, says “get over it. Get over it. I’m not in your life anymore, you need to get the f*ck over it.” He’s right, but like, he said that with no tact.
Stassi claims Kristen is not obsessed with James.
All of us:
Stassi tries to basically stick up for Kristen and say that she thought that her breakdown wasn’t really about James. But Kristen claims that it was! Kristen, you gotta take the Ws where you can.
Kristen says she and Carter broke up, basically, because he was freeloading off her. Kristen still stands by her statement that if she were to get married to anyone, it would be to Carter. Girl, what? She is still living with Carter because their dog got mauled by a pit bull. They had sex twice? Girl…. Girl…. What???
Guys, I’m sorry, I just can’t even process this and snark on it at the same time. Is “to snark on” a verb? Probably not. Whatever.
Yooo, holy sh*t. Okay. Kristen has a breakdown and starts crying because Stassi and Katie are too annoyed by her so she feels like she can’t go to them for support. Yikes. She says she sits at home alone and cries about it.
Katie of all f*cking people tells Kristen she’s settling for something that doesn’t make her happy. Kristen says over and over “your type of love doesn’t work for me.” That sounds like a phrase that was cherry-picked by Kristen’s therapist, and here’s why it’s bullsh*t: your friends, if they want what’s best for you, should point out situations where you are ultimately hurting yourself. If that’s not what you want to hear? Too f*cking bad. You NEED to hear it. Saying “your type of love doesn’t work for me” very directly translates to “you challenging my harmful behaviors doesn’t suit me because it’s forcing me to grow.” Sorry Kristen, too damn bad.
For once, I’m gonna say that Katie is right. After hearing about how sh*tty Carter is for the past two years, of course Katie is not going to like him. Of course she’s going to encourage Kristen to leave him. And she is more than justified in having an opinion when Kristen has spent the past two years venting to her about Carter. Sucks that Katie’s opinion isn’t in line with what Kristen wants to hear, but those are the breaks.
Speaking of breaks, after the next one, we revisit Schwartz and Katie’s fight in Mexico. Andy f*cking goes in on Schwartz and all the terrible things he said about Katie. But tbh I forgot that Schwartz used the word “cacophony,” and hearing it again made me laugh out loud and immediately absolve him of all wrongdoing. Andy starts delving into the fight, before realizing he doesn’t get paid enough to precede over Katie and Tom’s marriage counseling session, so we quickly switch topics.
Whoaaaa Andy asks Kristen if she thinks Tom and Ariana did anything inappropriate when they were together. Holy sh*t, Andy really is out for blood, digging up dirt from like, five seasons ago. Kristen says “yeah, and I’m really glad that they did because I love them together.” Ariana is now saying she and Tom kissed in a pool in Vegas. But I thought the infamous makeout was at Coachella???
Brittany has 12 bridesmaids. Damn, I don’t even know 12 people. Lala was eventually made a bridesmaid because Brittany felt bad (read: wanted more rides on the PJ).
Jax still claims he lived with Channing Tatum. All I want is for Channing to confirm or deny this rumor. Will not rest until we get an answer!
Andy brings up Lisa comparing Jax to Ken. Jax and Brittany are thrilled (Brittany even claps), before Andy steps in to be like, “no, that wasn’t a compliment. She was saying you’re both dirty dogs.”
Andy brings up Scheana and Adam’s fight at the engagement party. Scheana admits that she met that model dude at WWHL in LA. Andy is gobsmacked. Holy sh*t, Andy asks Scheana if she still thinks Botox makes her look 26, and Scheana says yes. Andy, the messy bitch he is, says he thinks Botox makes people look older!! Andy! Soooo messy.
Apparently Scheana gave Adam the penguin, and he basically forgave her. Adam is supposedly not dating anyone, and Scheana is dating other people. Damn Scheana, how do I get me one of those arrangements? And Adam has since gone down on her! Thank god. Nobody wants dry-ass sex, gentlemen.
So we revisit Jax treating Brittany’s family like sh*t. Apparently Britany yelled at Jax about it, and Jax actually… acknowledges his behavior was out of line??
Lol Jax pretends not to remember saying that he bought Brittany’s brother a baby. After the amnesia excuse doesn’t fly, Jax goes to the next tool in his manipulation playbook: “Well, I don’t have a family.” Another lie! The way this plays out with Andy not taking Jax’s sh*t is poetic.
Jax: Well, I don’t have a mom and dad.
Andy: No, you do have a mom.
Then Andy asks if Jax’s mom is invited to the wedding. At this time, it’s still up in the air. Bleak. So, finally, we get to the crux of the issue: Jax and Brittany were already planning to see Jax’s dad before he passed away. That’s got to be extremely hard. Jax breaks down crying, because she’s upset that his mom didn’t tell him to get on a plane to see his dad to say goodbye. Now everyone is crying. Ugh, great, now I’m crying. Except James is texting. Holy sh*t, what a monster. Stassi tries to tell him to have some respect, basically, and James tells her to shut the f*ck up.
Even Andy tells James he’s being wrong and nasty to Brittany, when even when Jax has trashed Raquel, she has never said a bad word about Raquel. I’m going to need to roll the puppy party tapes to verify if that’s true, but the sentiment there is more or less accurate. For the most part, Brittany does not partake in trash talking other people (who aren’t James).
At this point, everyone is tired. They’re over it. And even Lisa tells James that if he doesn’t shape the f*ck up, he’s going to lose any support he had. I agree that he’s really leaning into this cartoon villain persona he’s created for himself. That’s going to make redemption with the cast damn near impossible.
On that note, Andy asks James what’s in store for him. He says he’s working on his DJing. Lol. Selling out more restaurants?
Andy asks Schwartz how he felt about everyone not agreeing with Katie, and Schwartz basically tells the haters to suck his classic d*ck. I’ll pass, but thanks.
We end the season with Mamaw’s beer cheese (if that ever comes to fruition or a store near me, I will chop off my own foot and eat it) and Peter coming in with blow job shots. Seems weirdly fitting.
And that’s it for this season! We had some highs, a lot of lows, even more finger-pointing, and plenty of hypocrisy. I’m calling it now that Stassi and Beau will get engaged this summer during filming, and it will be the subject of VPR season 9. Mark my words!