Happy Monday, everybody! (Okay, yes I realize it’s Tuesday by the time you’re reading this but I wrote this to you on Monday as I was writing it… just go with it.) Am I the only one who feels like it should be Friday already? Work problems, amiright? Just change my name to Brenda, effective immediately, because I’ve got a real bad case of the Mondays! Anyway, sorry about that. The one good thing about Mondays is that Vanderpump Rules is finally back, and this season is already way better than last. So I am very excited to bring to you, the Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 2 recap. Before we even start this episode, I’m already sick of Jax and Brittany’s engagement storyline. Really praying these two just elope so they can spare me 21 consecutive weeks of fights over wedding minutiae.
We open on Jax and Brittany’s apartment, and also am I the only one who thinks Lala sang the opening song on this episode? Anyway, Jax and Brittany go into their apartment, where all their friends are waiting for them. That’s actually pretty sweet. I was about to say I’m impressed with Jax for setting it up, except he didn’t. Stassi basically did everything. I can see why she’s a fake event planner on this show.
Jax: I sh*t you not, there were dolphins in the background right when I proposed.
Uhm, no? I am equally sure that didn’t happen. We just re-watched that clip 10 seconds ago; we literally all know you lied. This is peak Jax, lying over something inconsequential and very easily disproven just to try to make himself look better. At this point I wonder if he knows he’s lying pathologically, or if he actually believes his own bullsh*t? I lean more towards the latter.
Ok yes I was right about “I’M ENGAAAAAYAGED” being the new “rawt in hail” because Brittany yelled it TWICE outside on her balcony. If she did that sh*t in New York, she would have gotten a swift brick thrown through her window. Also, like, which one of you is gonna put this on a mug, or should I be the first?
Meanwhile, at SUR, Billie Lee breaks the engagement news to James. I feel like they’re both probably salty that they weren’t invited to the party, just saying…
James: I’m really happy for Brittany, I think Jax is going to be a great first husband for her.
People who do not like James Kennedy, WHY?? Comments like these are the reason I still put myself through this torture chamber of a show every week. Just kidding, I love this show because I’m a messy b*tch who lives for drama!
Wow apparently Jax’s mom didn’t even respond to the text that he got engaged? That’s harsh. I legit remember the episode where she came to get lunch with Lisa and Scheana. Geez, this is dark. Jax’s mom didn’t really give him the opportunity to say goodbye to his dad, because I guess she was trying to spare his feelings. I’m not a parent, obviously, but I pretty vehemently disagree with that strategy. Jax is pushing 40; he’s old enough to decide for himself what he wants his last memory of his dad to be. But you’re right, this is far too serious a topic for my recap. Back to the lighthearted stuff, like cheating allegations!
Kristen is talking to Lala, saying, “James treats everyone like disposable humans”—spoken by the girl who f*cked her best friend’s ex-boyfriend, punched her own boyfriend, called Ariana “the scum on the bottom of my shoe”… should I go on? These people are pretty remarkable, I’ve got to say. Their selective memories are astounding and should be studied by scientists. It’s also pretty ridiculous that Kristen is going to act like the reason she hates James is because he embarrassed Brittany, when it seems painfully obvious to me that she simply does not want her ex-boyfriend to be a part of the group and gain Instagram sponsorships. Listening to Kristen call James “this little kid” is disturbing. You dated him! You cried over him! Are you really going to pretend that didn’t happen?
Damn, it’s Pride already? I feel like this usually doesn’t happen until midway through the season. The theme of this year’s Pride is 80s, because I guess equal rights isn’t a good enough theme?
Wait, what’s with Lala’s fake lip ring in the confessionals? That thing is truly heinous. It’s not 1996 anymore, please leave lip rings back where they belong.
Anyway. Everyone’s talking about how Jax has changed, and THANK GOD Ariana is the only person being like “lol let’s see if this sticks because it’s Jax we’re talking about.” At least there’s one person who isn’t drinking the Jax Kool-Aid.
Me, watching everyone talk about how Jax is a new person:
Kristen and Stassi are hanging out, drinking. I’m beginning to think that’s all they do.
Stassi: Kristen and I are mature. Instead of going out to bars, we just get drunk at home.
I could hate, but this is honestly my late 20s energy.
Kristen is mad at Lisa for not getting mad at James over the “Jax f*cked Faith” lyric. Dude, I don’t know. I guess I’m happy that Crazy Kristen is back, but honestly it’s just so weird to watch her be overly concerned with sh*t that doesn’t affect her directly. Like, IDK, get a hobby? Take up knitting? Or pick on someone your own age?? It’s just f*cking weird. Also, seems stressful!
Kristen tells Stassi that this girl named Hope told her that she hooked up with James while Raquel was asleep at their Coachella house. These people are vile. Has nobody on this show heard of the phrase “get a room”?
Kristen is like, “I want to speak for everyone he has silenced.” Damn, this b*tch is the f*cking Lorax of scorned women now.
Oh boy, brace yourselves. Crazy Kristen is BACK in full swing, organizing a meet-up with James and Hope and Raquel during Pride. This is like the Miami Girl confrontation all over again. *rubs hands together excitedly* Seems like she could have chosen a less stressful day than literally the busiest day at SUR of the year, but I’m not going to complain about it.
Jax goes to visit Lisa at her house and ask for his job back. I find it hard to believe that Jax is famous from being on a reality show and can’t just like, apply to work at any other bar in LA?
Lisa: Why should I take you back at SUR?
Jax: I don’t mean to use my father’s death to try to beg for my job back, but watch me use my father’s death to beg for my job back.
Classy! And Lisa AGREES TO DO IT!! She lets him work an event at SUR this weekend. God, what’s it like to be a man on this show and have absolutely no consequences for your actions?? Or, I guess, simply a man in 2018.
James and Raquel are apparently not living on some random 40-year-old man’s couch anymore, and they invite Sandoval and Ariana over for dinner. Sandoval tells James he’s acting like the white Kanye, and this is supposed to deter him how, exactly?? Being the white Kanye is all James has ever wanted. Like, did you even watch season 4??
James asks Sandoval when he and Ariana are getting engaged.
Sandoval: I bought the ring 4 years ago.
Ariana: *goes to the sunken place*
I could literally recite in my sleep that ARIANA DOES NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED! She also doesn’t want kids, in case you’re wondering!! Why is this so hard to grasp?? This right here is why Sandoval is trash. Ariana has told him, her friends, the American people MULTIPLE TIMES that she doesn’t want marriage! But because that opinion doesn’t jive with Sandoval’s, he just ignores it completely and thinks he can change her mind. To Sandoval, Ariana’s opinions are only valid when they line up with his, otherwise, they’re merely suggestions.
Anyway, it’s Pride! Everyone is dressed like me at any college 80s themed mixer. Lots of neon, lots of spandex.
Scheana: Walking into SUR during pride is like walking into an 80s sitcom.
Uhm… what 80s sitcoms were you watching? Because I don’t think people were walking around with their asses and titties out on Cheers or whatever.
Give this producer who edited the footage as an 80s sitcom all the Emmys. JASON CAUCHI A JAX TAYLOR!!! I AM DECEASED! That made my night.
Back to our regularly scheduled programming. Ugh Scheana is singing “Good as Gold”. It’s okay, I didn’t need my ears for anything.
Me, bleeding out the eardrums:
James Kennedy gets up on like, some raised surface to rap and strip off his jacket. Meanwhile, Kristen and Hope are scaling a fence to get to SUR. Should we call the police? Are they allowed to be on the premises?
So Kristen and Hope pull Raquel aside like, “can I steal you for a sec?” Chris Harrison would be pleased.
Kristen: I just want to know if you’re aware or you just don’t care.
Raquel/Me: About what?
Yeah, what? It’s called context, ever heard of it?
Hope then tells Raquel that she had sex with James at Coachella while she was asleep. Honestly Hope is a little too proud to tell Raquel that. So now I’ve got to wonder if this is real? I’m being a James truther right now. I just feel like if you’re going to admit you f*cked a girl’s boyfriend while you knew they were dating, you should have a little more shame. YOU WOULD THINK.
Kristen: I took James from a little baby busser to whatever he is today. I like, invented him, you know?
I’ve never seen Raquel speak this much, but DAMN, I wish she would talk more often! Holy sh*t. I like, kind of respect her for this, because she’s not just giving Kristen what she wants, which is a reaction. She’s basically like “why are you telling me this rn.” I guess I could argue it’s because her brain can’t handle this much information at once, but I won’t because I’m trying to be a nicer person.
As a sidenote, is it cool that Beau is wearing a shirt that says “Gay for Play” on Pride? Just asking?
James comes out onto the patio and congratulates Jax on the engagement. Then Brittany comes up and he apologizes to her and gives them a bunch of Patron.
Brittany: I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive James, but I will drink this tequila.
I get that. Raquel then comes up, and I’m like, kind of scared for James. She confronts him about the rumor, and James obviously denies having had sex with Hope. And spoken like all innocent men, James immediately starts yelling about how Kristen is a slut. Hmmmm now I’m not sure who to believe. I mean, who am I kidding, I know who to believe. Where there’s smoke with this crew, there’s fire. One false cheating allegation, I could see. But I seriously doubt half of LA is colluding to accuse the same guy of cheating on his girlfriend just for sh*ts and giggles.
James re: Kristen:
Raquel is crying, and I didn’t actually know her motherboard was programmed to produce tears. I am shooketh.
Guys, maybe Raquel is like, not an animated piece of cardboard? She expresses that she’s tired of having to defend James to everyone. This is like, an accurate sentiment. Now I feel sort of bad for calling her stupid for the past season. It’s almost as if… she is capable of rational thought?? I’m going to need a while to process this.
Okay, I’m back. Now we’re outside and the news has already made its way around SUR. Damn, news travels fast in this place. James has also managed to get belligerently drunk and is slurring about Lala being a b*tch. There he is, the James we know and love.
Lala calls Raquel dumb because apparently she knew that James was banging Hope while she was away at school. And yet, if Lala has known this information for months, why is she only know telling Raquel? Oh right, because the cameras are rolling and nobody has any real loyalty to one another.
Kristen comes walking up to James and Sandoval with a sh*t-eating grin.
Kristen, to James: Why is he here? He needs to go.
Kristen, we could way more rightfully say that about you! Your ass doesn’t even work here! Kristen is literally that creepy guy who graduated high school 3 years ago and still hangs out in the parking lot, smoking and hitting on the freshmen.
Lala tells James he needs serious help—I think her exact words were “intense therapy”—and Katie, for no discernible reason, is like, “James, you need serious help. Look at your pants.” I mean, I don’t think Lala was talking about fashion help, but sure.
But thennnn James goes from 0 to 100 real f*cking quick. Body-Shaming James Kennedy comes out, my least favorite iteration of DJJK, telling Katie her shorts aren’t flattering and telling her to lose weight. Yeah, that’s not cool. I’m not going to defend this at all. He sucks for this. I really respect Katie’s response, which is basically like “tell me something I haven’t already told myself.” That’s pretty much what I said when someone on my Instagram tried to call me fat in a comment on one of my pictures. If anybody cares, they said I had a “weird body shape” which is how I know a woman wrote it.
The episode ends with James and Jesse Montana angrily stalking off somewhere. You would think James would have learned from season 5 or whenever it was when he called Katie fat and got promptly ostracized, but no. Sadly, I don’t think he’s going to be able to apologize his way out of this one. Buckle up, folks. It’s going to be a dramatic ride.
Images: Giphy (4)
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