Let’s F*cking Calm Down About Kylie’s Instagram Caption Betches

I guess I will just assume my role as the Betches resident Kylie Jenner response team (of one), because today everyone on the damn internet was in a frenzy about Kylie Jenner’s Instagram tribute to Travis Scott. First of all, now that I used the phrase “everyone on the damn internet” in earnest, please change my name to Gertrude and my age to 80, effective immediately. *Shakes fist at the sky* Great, now that you all have gotten off my lawn, let’s take a moment to dissect the caption that Kylie Jenner posted in honor of Travis Scott’s birthday. Travis turned 28 years old today, and Kylie is only 21, a fact that slightly shocks me, even though I definitely knew their ages independently before this moment. Maybe it’s because I, a 27-year-old, shudder at the thought of dating someone who could only drink legally this past year? Whatever, that’s not the point of this article, and I’m fully aware there is a gendered double standard at play.

What is the point of this article is that, in true Kylie Jenner fashion, she posted a caption on a carousel of images with Travis, both calling him her “hubby” and alluding to having another baby together. And, in true everybody-on-the-internet fashion, people freaked the f*ck out. E! News regrammed the photo, calling out the baby mention. Cosmo posted an article with the headline, “Alright, Kylie Jenner Says She Wants to “F**k Around and Have Another Baby” With Travis Scott” and the subhead, “Commence freaking out …now.” This is a predictable response, and one I was tempted to make. But you know what, everybody? I can’t. I’m too tired. It is Tuesday, it is a slow news week for the time being since 50 Cent got his money, and I am just too fatigued to play into Kylie Jenner’s not-even-very-carefully-crafted publicity stunt. This is all just so predictable.

As an aside, is nobody mentioning the real interesting part of this picture, which is that it looks like it’s a snapshot of Travis proposing? I’ve seen enough engagement pics on my timeline to know what this resembles. But no? Nobody wants to point that out? Bueller? Ok then, moving on.

As my esteemed colleague 50 Shades of Betch pointed out months ago, Kylie and Travis’s M.O. at this point is stirring up rumors about their marriage and baby status via their Instagram captions. These two just loooove to call each other “hubby” and “wifey” and “mommy” for the sole purposes of getting the media to freak out about whether they are married and going to have another baby. And, as my other esteemed colleague That Betch Over There noted, just two months ago, we all went through this exact same experience when Kylie posted a picture of herself and Travis with the caption “baby #2?”

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baby #2?

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Do you all have amnesia? Kylie pulls stunts like this like clockwork, I imagine when her lip kit sales are starting to dwindle, just to get us all riled up. This is not new, but it is newly annoying. Need I remind you all, this is Kylie Jenner we’re talking about? The woman who hid her pregnancy for nine months because she didn’t want Instagram to watch her gain an ounce of weight? (Not the confirmed reason, but at least, it is the theory I personally subscribe to.) And need I remind you again, that even though Kylie kept her pregnancy a relative secret, her birth announcement was anything but? Furthermore, even though Kylie did f*ck with her fans for a good nine months on social media after the news of her pregnancy broke, the initial breaking of that story came as a complete surprise to pretty much all of us. I mean, I didn’t read blind gossip items back then, but even I was shook when the initial reports surface, and Keeping Up with the Kardashians is legitimately 63% of my entire job.

I certainly don’t know Kylie Jenner personally or anything, but I’ve watched enough of her stunts unfold to deduce that she’s probably not going to reveal the news of her second pregnancy via a cutesy little Instagram caption. This girl invented an entire theme park for her daughter’s first birthday, and announced the birth of said daughter with an 11-minute video! I don’t think subtlety is really her forte—or her game plan, because it doesn’t exactly sell ads, or newspapers, or drive viewers to watch the 167th season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

All this is to say that, even if Kylie is pregnant again, she probably wouldn’t announce it this way. So can we all just f*cking chill out, and save me the time and effort of writing iterations of this article every two months when she posts a near-identical caption? I’d also love to be saved the periodic spike in my blood pressure. Because, look, the only reason Kylie keeps doing this is because we are all giving her what she wants—the likes, the comments, the speculative articles. If we all stop playing this game, we will actually get what we want, which is real confirmation one way or the other, instead of these little trickle-truthed nuggets of non-information. But hey, if this back-and-forth is fun for everybody else, and I’m just the outlier, I guess I’ll go grab my glove and play ball.

Images: kyliejenner / Instagram (2)

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