May is National Masturbation Month, and we’re celebrating with Feeling Yourself, a series exploring the finer points of self-pleasure.
So far, 2019 hasn’t been a particularly sexy year.
When you think about, we’ve all had to watch a lot of straight-up nonsense go down. Green Book won the Oscar for Best Picture, Jeff Bezos’ “sexts” leaked, and Sonic the Hedgehog got a full set of human teeth, for goodness sake. Gross!
A bunch of this year’s pop culture moments have been genuinely disappointing, but we’re not going to let that harsh our self-love vibes. From sexy fashion statements and television characters, to memes and music, 2019 has definitely given us some glorious moments worthy of recalling during the act of self-pleasure.
If you find yourself in need of some masturbation inspiration, here are 35 ~very 2019~ things to think about.
1. Chris Evans’ teal velvet pants: Christopher Robert Evans had the absolute audacity to show up to an Avengers: Endgame press event in April wearing teal velvet pants. The trousers looked as though they were hand-crafted by an angelic seamstresses in the clouds and came with the equally stunning teal velvet suit jacket Evans wore to the Oscars earlier this year. We’re all blessed that his stylist, Ilaria Urbinati, firmly believes you should “never let a great pair of trousers go to waste.”
2. America’s ass: While we’re on the topic of Chris Evans’ pants, let’s get another inevitable Chris-related 2019 thirst trap out of the way. Feel free to think of the real star of Avengers: Endgame — America’s ass — whenever you need a dose of dayummmm. 🇺🇸🍑
3. “Old Town Road”: There are many subject-appropriate songs out there to get off to, but if you’re looking to switch things up a bit, consider listening to the 2019 anthems, “Old Town Road” and the remix, for inspiration.
4. The possibility of eliminating student debt: This year, Elizabeth Warren announced her plans to cancel student debt and eliminate college tuition for future students, and honestly? Just the thought of having your ridiculously high student debt forgiven is *tingles* exciting.
5. The new Staples logo: People got seriously amped when that little staple unfolded. So… strong.
capitalism is definitely not a cult. this is all cool and normal pic.twitter.com/oIP6U25XoP
Are you frustrated that your expensive karoke player does not let you play.
— John Wick’s Horse (@rysimmons) April 3, 2019
6. The Jonas Brothers reunion AND the introduction of the Jonas Sisters: One of the world’s most popular boy bands — a band of literal biological brothers — reunited in 2019, and that alone is reason enough for everyone to be “Burnin’ Up.” But with the reunion also came the introduction of the fierce female trio, the Jonas Sisters (aka Sophie Turner, Priyanka Chopra, and Danielle Jonas). 🔥
8. The possible return of Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Nuggets: Can you think of a thought spicer than imagining the possible return of Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Nuggets? There aren’t many.
9. The thought of the L train being functional: Governor Andrew Cuomo is confident that limiting service of the extraordinarily popular L train for a year will be in the city’s best interest, but in the mean time New Yorkers are living a fresh new subway hell. Stay strong, people. And if necessary, after a long-ass day of commuting, feel free to envision a beautiful, fully functioning L train in the sack.
10. Jauz’s “Baby Shark” remix: I think the Coachella track really speaks for itself doo doo doo doo doo doo.
11. KFC’s hot new Colonel Sanders: KFC isn’t simply in the business of making people hungry for chicken anymore. Now they’re interested in making people thirst for their hot new Colonel Sanders. (It’s working?)
12. The thought of sexting with a robot: Mashable Staff Writer Jess Joho sexted with a bot, and you can too. Turns out it’s surprisingly hot.
13. The Night King: Listen, he wasn’t very nice. He’s also dead now. But in his glory days the Night King could get it.
14. The Hulk’s junk: Ever wonder if the Hulk can have sex? There’s a lot to unpack. Consider doing so next time you get down with yourself, because, why not?
15. David’s dance on Schitt’s Creek: David and Patrick’s relationship is one of the best on television, and while David’s dance to Tina Turner’s “The Best” is sweet enough to make you ugly cry, it’s also sexy as hell and impossible to watch without getting chills. (The same argument can be made for the scene where Patrick sings “The Best” to David.)
16. Literally any moment from the 2 hours and 17 minutes of Beyoncé’s Homecoming:The performance is the definition of flawless and we are barely worthy of such brilliance.
17. The Burn This poster: The poster for the Broadway revival of Lanford Wilson’s Burn This is haaaaawt. It features Adam Driver and Keri Russell lookin’ gorg, just chillin’ horizontal on a couch all dreamy and idyllic and shit. See for yourself.
18. This sand art replica of Dwayne Johnson’s face: You might not initially think a video of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s head being assembled from sand is the stuff to inspire hot thoughts, which is understandable, but if you never try you’ll never know, right?
19. Bowsette: The fan-created character that mashes Bowser and Princess Peach together was dismissed by Nintendo this year, but that doesn’t stop people from lusting over NSFW Bowsette art online.
20. This extremely long dongle: Major BDE (Big Dongle Energy) coming from this one. Who can ignore?
21. The moment Captain America wielded Thor’s hammer: Yes, we’ve already gave a nod to Chris Evans/Captain America twice on this list, but how could we not acknowledge the ⚡electric⚡ moment Cap summoned Mjolnir? A real shock to the heart.
22. 500 Intel drones performing a choreographed light show set to Phish: Get jammin’, folks.
23. Golf balls cut in half: These artsy halved golf balls with tantalizingly scrumptious interiors are forbiddensnacks, but we can still drool.
24. Demon Beto O’Rourke: When the skateboarding, burger-loving, Beyoncé-endorsed musician Beto O’Rourke ran for Texas Senator againstTed Cruz, he was one of the most crush-worthy men on the planet. Now, O’Rourke is running for president, though, and the American people can’t afford to let their thirst distract them from focusing on policy issues. Rather than thinking of Beto to get yourself all hot and bothered consider, focusing on this comedian’s parody version, Demon Beto.
25. Animations of a baguette on the move: We are not suggesting you think about just any old loaf of bread while masturbating. Animated baguettes are special.
26. Villanelle and Eve: The relationship between the two Killing Eve characters may be complicated, but their chemistry is clear as day. Scenes like this are simply too intense to just watch.
27. Crocs and shaving cream: In case you haven’t seen, putting large dollops of shaving cream in Crocs and then inserting feet forces the shaving cream to escape out of the signature shoe holes. It’s quite the satisfying sight.
29. The Rihanna birthday outfit challenge: Everyone knows Rihanna slays the Met Gala when she attends, but since the singer didn’t make it this year we have to get our fix another way. Try searching “Rihanna” and your birthday on Google and see one of her iconic outfits will appear. You’re welcome.
30. Balenciaga Crocs: Speaking of Crocs and the Met… I like those Balenciagas. The ones that look like Crocs. 😏
31. Jake Gyllenhaal in Spider-Man Far From Hometrailer: HeLLO, Mysterio. We see that beard and shaggy Jim Halpert hair, boy.
33. The gray streak in Richard Madden’s hair: 50 strands of gray = bae.
34. The Senate Intelligence Committee subpoenaing Donald Trump Jr. to testify over the Russia Investigation: Perhaps some people will take pleasure from imagining Trump’s son testifying in hopes it will shed some light on this long, national, election hacking nightmare. IDK!
35. Samsung’s foldable phone: The wide, glossy screen folds in half for goodness sake.
Have fun, everyone!
WATCH: Gaga and Bradley set the meme-osphere and our loins ablaze this week with their Oscar’s performance — All the Memes